Unpardonable Interruption

I started watching Pardon the Interruption when I moved in with my best friend after college. He was a fan and watching PTI together after we both got home from work became one of our rituals. I wasn’t particularly interested in a lot of the topics covered on the show—at that point I was a die hard NFL fan who was only just dipping his toes back into the NBA and discovering college football—but watching the show allowed me to pick up a basic fluency in a variety of sports. It’s a useful skill to have when you need to make small talk.

In college, I hadn’t really had access to cable television, so most of my sports commentary came from obsessively reading every NFL columnist whose style could be described as omnibus: Peter King, Bill Simmons, and Michael Silver. Occasionally I stomached Pete Prisco. All of those words were read in service of finding one kind word about my woeful Raiders. Anyway, when I watched PTI, I was watching something new to me, something fast moving, mostly playful, and light.

I can’t tell if it’s just me viewing the past through lenses of nostalgia, but when I think back on those early years watching PTI, there seemed to be less bile. The takes didn’t seem to be as hot. Tony Kornheiser might have said something curmudgeonly from time to time or Wilbon might name drop in a particularly egregious way, but I wasn’t angry when I watched the show.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I turned on PTI. My best friend and I don’t live together anymore, so for a time, I just stopped watching because Wilbon had some wrong-headed take on analytics, and I didn’t need to listen to that nonsense on a regular basis. I know the reason I started watching again was much like the reason I consumed so many long NFL columns back in college: I was desperate for all of the Warriors content I could get.

What I found upon returning was that it had gotten even worse. Wilbon has begun referring to win-loss records as “analytics” and a show without him ranting about Millennials is a rarity. Somehow Wilbon has gone full Clint Eastwood and doubled down on the get off my lawn schtick that used to be Kornheiser’s domain. That’s a problem for a show like this. You can’t have two people with, essentially, the same voice. I’ve gone from watching the show on the couch next to my friend to live texting all of my complaints to him as I watch. It isn’t pretty.

Really, the only saving grace of the show is when either Wilbon or Kornheiser is out golfing, and they have a guest host who can play off one of them in a different way. Dan Lebatard is perfect in this role—and great on his own show with Papi and Bomani. But PTI can even fuck up the guest host thing. Before ESPN cut him loose, since he couldn’t get black Grantland up and running, Jason Whitlock was doing a lot of pinch hitting on PTI, and it was terrible. It was almost pathological. How could he not know that he shouldn’t reach for metaphors about domestic violence?

And yet, for all my objections, I still watch the damn show. Just as I continue watching the NFL despite the myriad reasons not to, there are some things that tickle my reptile brain in ways I find shameful and pleasurable and painful all at once. I put up with all the madness because—speaking of problematic shit—I need the eggs.

RETROSPECTIVE: Final Fantasy VII

I realize that I spent a rather large amount of virtual space bemoaning the decline of the Japanese RPG and highlighting all the ways the genre is not a game at all, but, as I implied in that article, I worry over the state of the genre because it has meant so much to me over the course of my gaming life. In that vein, I’m going to present the first in a series of retrospectives of what I perceive to be classic games that have influenced the gaming industry in some way.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: there is a shadowy organization with questionable motivations that is slowly sapping the world of its natural resources. This organization is heedlessly constructing power reactors and refineries to take advantage of these resources in the face of growing evidence that the environment is suffering irreparable damage. This sounds like it could be basis of a new Al Gore documentary or the plot of any of the numerous movies coming out to feed off the climate change panic. It is, in fact, the outline of a video game made ten years ago: Final Fantasy VII.

Since it is a video game–a simple entertainment–the organization is not raping the world of its finite oil supplies but tapping into the “Lifestream” to create energy for the populace. And there’s a little matter of harnessing this Lifestream to create ultimate weapons for world domination. Let me make this clear: Lifestream is not a transparent analog for oil. First of all, it manifests as a glowing green fluid. It isn’t black. Second of all, it’s made out of the souls of the dead and not decomposed biomatter. . . Right. Even though this game came to the U.S. in 1997, its motivations are very contemporary. Perhaps that is one reason the story has aged so well.

The game opens with a small “revolutionary” group blowing up a reactor in the oppressively dark city of Midgar. Because the player is in control of the members of this group and because we all know corporations are evil, this is activism and not terrorism. As far as most of the city is concerned, however, this group is a terrorist cell. This is serious subject matter for a game to take on in a world in the middle of the Dot Com bubble. The main character is a former soldier (and member of an elite group called SOLDIER, obnoxiously enough) of the evil corporation whose initial approach to the movement is mercenary. Cloud is an unsympathetic character with a pragmatic attitude as the game begins. This is a game that takes itself very seriously. That is why Final Fantasy VII was revolutionary.

I am not claiming that it was the plot that changed video game development and gamers’ attitudes toward RPGs; it was the entire presentation of the game from the top down. As a technical achievement alone, FFVII changed the way video games were presented. Naturally, the use of pre-rendered, full-motion videos was the first aspect of the game lauded by critics. It was as tough Square was trying to blur the line between video game and movie. The opening movie of the game does not simply set the scene for the opening action, although it certainly has that effect. The slow pan around the technological city of Midgar is interrupted by frames of a train racing through a tunnel. As the camera continues to the circle the city and zoom closer to the action, there are an increasing number of frames showing the racing train. Quite quickly the camera is thrust directly into the action as it reaches the train’s location in the city and the game begins en media res. This opening has become so canonic, so representative of the power of traditional cinematography in video games, that Sony used the scene to demonstrate the power of the new PS3.

The graphics that follow that scene are sadly dated. While the background environments suggest a 3D environment, their presentation now appears murky and blurry. The characters in the overworld and towns are blocky and without expression… or hands, for that matter. They look like Lego men walking around in a Renoir painting. At the same time, the battle graphics are still impressive. Certainly, they are nowhere near as refined as the graphics in games from the XBox 360, but the technical abilities of Sony’s first generation are remarkable after so much time (in video game years).

There are a number of genuine flaws in the game. The translation is confusing and unclear at times, and it really would have been helpful with such a convoluted story for the verbal presentation to have been more clear. The story, even after playing through the game four or five times (don’t ask), is so labyrinthine at times that flow charts might help. Oh, and the first appearance of a black guy in a Final Fantasy game features a portrayal that is fraught with stereotypes. Barret, while a far more likable character than the story’s protagonist, seems like he’s always about to start demanding fried chicken and watermelon. He also swears the most out of any of the characters.

As a game requiring manual input from the player to proceed… FFVII is no great challenge. I cannot recall if there are any required battles that I could not beat the first time through, but I suspect that the greatest obstacle in the game is the random encounter rate. While there are plenty of minigames that distract from the constant press of random encounters (a genre convention hated by many), it can be extremely frustrating to leave a menu screen and press up for less than half of a second and hit a random encounter.

Those quibbles are minor in the face of the milestones the game achieved. As I mentioned earlier, the opening scene of game employs cinematic elements, but the greatest innovation that all of the technological advances of the Playstation allowed was that of mood. For the first seven or eight hours of the game, the player is confined to Midgar, a city with no sun. The presentation would be reminiscent of the movie Dark City except that it preceeded that movie by a few years. The player never sees how the uppercrust of the city lives because Cloud and company are marginal characters in the slum of a “great” city. The environments are dark and dirty. There are few natural colors in the palette of Midgar. The brightest environment in these opening hours is actually the interior of the neighborhood brothel. There are some humorous moments in these first few hours, particularly during the sidequest in which the characters scramble around the redlight district trying to barter for women’s clothing to disguise Cloud as a woman. Over all, the mood is dark and oppressive as reflected in the colors the designers use. The great pay off after those opening hours is this feeling of relief the player feels as he leaves the city. It’s as though he releases a breath that he didn’t realize he was holding in. And that’s just the beginning of the game.

The graphics are not the only thing that contribute to the mood. In fact, one could easily argue that the music of Nobuo Uematsu carries the bulk of the game’s emotions on its shoulders. There is nary a wrong step in the music. Let me say that I know very, very, very little about music. I can say that the music was tense when it needed to be tense, dissonant when it needed to be dissonant, and lighthearted where it needed to be lighthearted. It carefully supplements the environmental design of the game. When the characters cannot speak for themselves–there is, after all, no voice acting in this game–the music speaks for them.

I could go on for a very long time about this video game. I could try to pick apart the scenes that make the game worth all of the acclaim it has received, but it would take many more hours and many more pages. Some critics claim that this game is overrated. Some fans even hate this game because it is so often cited by gamers as their favorite Final Fantasy. These fans claim that all old-school Final Fantasy fans prefer FFIV or FFVI. Guess what, I’m one of those fans. Or I was. Until I came back to this game again and realized what it did for the genre. My favorite edition of the series will always be Final Fantasy VI, but FFVII deserves acknowledgement for how it changed the genre. When Kefka poisons the city of Duma early in FFVI, it’s hard to feel, viscerally, the loss. When Shinra destroys an entire sector of their capital city… well, the player feels that loss. It really is a great game, and it took me ten years to realize that.

Genre Breakdown: Cyberpunk

Few genres are as steeped in nihilism as cyberpunk. Often set in near-future worlds, the books, films, and games of the cyberpunk genre often examine the intersection between high technology and the fringe of society. Characters aren’t simply confronted with the oppression of society; they also must battle against the feelings of alienation in an environment that is increasingly dominated by technology. In some cases, this technological domination extends as far as the bodies of the characters. As a genre, cyberpunk does not want for conflict.

Introduction:

First coined by the author Bruce Bethke as a short story title in 1983, cyberpunk is a strain of science fiction in which cybernetics and information technology are blended with dystopian elements. Whether the dystopia arises out of a nuclear holocaust, a biological event, or the advent of revolutionary piece of technology, the society shown in cyberpunk media is often characterized by distinct social strata with a particular emphasis on the lowest elements of society. According to Lawrence Person’s article Notes Toward a Postcyberpunk Manifesto:

Classic cyberpunk characters were marginalized, alienated loners who lived on the edge of society in generally dystopic futures where daily life was impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.

Although many authors have written books that are classified as cyberpunk, the two most prominent are William Gibson and Neal Stephenson. As is widely known, Gibson originated the word “cyberspace” in his novel Neuromancer. Influential as the novel was, the most widely-read work of cyberpunk may actually be Stephenson’s Snow Crash. Even prior to the introduction of the term, authors like Harlan Ellison, Philip K. Dick, and Stanislaw Lem could be described as creating works in the cyberpunk genre.

In cinema, the grit of the cyberpunk culture is often highlighted with elements of noir. Films like Blade Runner, Dark City, and The Matrix employ cinematic chiaroscuro to emphasize the segmentation of society between the light (the favored) and the dark (the lost). As with any genre that is featured in many films, cyberpunk has its fair share of representatives in the gaming universe.

Just for the sake of the weary reader who has tired of my gushing over the universe of Shadowrun, I’ll simply note that it fits squarely in the cyberpunk genre (albeit with fantastical elements) and point out that there have been three games based in that world, one on the SNES, one of the Genesis, and a depressing SKU on the Xbox 360.

Deus Ex (2000):

One of those rare first person shooters with RPG elements, especially back in 2000, Deus Ex followed the adventure of JC Denton in the 2050s. As a member of an elite anti-terrorist organization, Denton becomes enmeshed in a multi-layered conspiracy as the Illuminati, Majestic 12, and triads all vie for power in the chaotic world. In this globe-hopping game, Denton tracks down leads in New York, Hong Kong, Paris, and other international locations.

Throughout the game, the player is confronted with many different paths to a specific goal. Stealth may be the most effective method of approaching a particular scene, but it is just as possible for a player with more points in combat skills to take on the enemies as a one man army. The direct control over the abilities of an avatar seen through the first-person perspective gives the player a heightened sense of immersion in the environment.

When this game out, my roommate and I spent many, many hours playing this game. We took turns with one person watching over the other’s shoulder as we played. We played on my computer in my dorm room, and when class compelled me to go to sleep, I often woke up with my roommate still playing.

It maintains a Metacritic rating of 90, and it was re-released in a Game of the Year addition to take advantage of the many awards heaped upon it.

It only sold 91K in 2001, but based on the strength of the IP, a sequel was made, and a third installation in the series was recently announced.

Syndicate (1993):

Originally released on the Amiga and PC, this tactical shooter featured a squad of cyborgs who take control of territories and tax the populace like the mafia might. As the player takes control of more territories, he is able to upgrade the weapons of his team of cyborgs. The player builds this influence to further the goals of his corporate or religious masters. As with many cyberpunk games, the governments have become overshadowed by corporations.

This classic game was expanded into a series with an expansion as well as a sequel. Peter Molyneux stated:

Aside from the licensing complications, some sort of next-gen online version of Syndicate would certainly be popular with gamers.

It certainly inspires feelings of nostalgia in a lot of gamers.

System Shock (1994):

In some ways, this is the game that sparked the cyberpunk genre in games. It was set in 2072 and featured a hacker as the main character and a malevolent artificial intelligence as the main antagonist. The fact that the game occurs on a space station is rather beside the point. A first-person shooter with true 3-D environment, the game is very much the model for Deus Ex with the main character installing hardware through his neural implant to add new abilities. This is of course something that BioShock used to great effect, and Ken Levine has commented that

the spirit of System Shock is player-powered gameplay: the spirit of letting the player drive the game, not the game designer.

The atmosphere of the game is tense and riveting, even after all these years. Its influence can be seen in games like BioShock and even Portal (Hello, GLaDOS). It is the model upon which many subsequent first-person shooters built upon.

Though it only sold 170,000 copies, the game eventually received a sequel based on all the critical acclaim it received.

Final Fantasy VII (1997):

I’ll bet you thought I could make it through a feature without a reference to Final Fantasy. You were wrong.

There is no government to speak of in FFVII; the Shinra Corporation is the closest to a universal power that exist. Our protagonist, Cloud, may wield a sword, but he’s accompanied by two gun-wielding companions, Barrett and Vincent. As I mentioned in my FFVII retrospective, the entire city of Midgar is extremely reminiscent of the setting of Dark City. The game even begins in the Slums, and an argument can be made that the adventure doesn’t truly begin until a segment upper portion of Midgar collapses on top of the slums beneath. The division between the haves and have-notes, the dark and the light, could not be more clearly drawn.

9.72 million in sales. That’s pretty much all you have to say. It transformed Japanese RPGs from a niche genre in the U.S. into a force to reckoned with.

Hellgate: London (2007):

I know what you’re thinking: really? Hellgate: London? But there are demons! And Hell!

Set in the near future (2038), there is a blend of technology and mystical powers very much in the style of Shadowrun with both a single player mode and online multiplayer. To borrow the description from Hellgate‘s website:

A post-apocalyptic London has been overrun by hordes of terrifying demons, leaving the city desolate and scorched by hellfire. Those who were unlucky enough to survive now gather in the only sanctuary left, the Underground, banding together in order to gain a foothold against the minions of darkness and ultimately save the bloodline of humanity.

It is no surprise that these sole survivors come from three of society’s most elite factions, each of whom are masters of a robust number of skills and weapons essential to demon-thrashing.

The Templar, a secret society preserving the rites of the original Knights Templar, mix futuristic technology with ancient artifacts to create powerful weapons and armor perfect for short-ranged and melee attacks.

The Cabalists are students of the dark arts and edges of science which often leaves them standing right on the line between good and evil. Their mystifying spells make them suited for mid-range combat.

The Hunters are mysterious, highly trained ex-military operatives who lay waste to their foes with hyper-advanced weapons that blend theoretical science and the latest in technology – and their bullets can come from almost any distance.

While it might not be a corporation, world domination by demons neatly creates that dystopian dynamic of the haves and have-nots. The setting of the game in the Underground emphasizes the power of the high versus the low and the power of darkness over a population. If one wanted to extend the metaphor a bit, the automatically generated dungeons places the player squarely in the position of being ill-informed and kept in the dark.

While it has a Metacritic rating of 71, the game has been criticized for early problems with glitches and inconsistent multiplayer.

No sales figures have been released for Hellgate: London, which typically does not bode well for a game.

Conclusion:

Aside from Final Fantasy VII, this genre is dominated by low-selling, critically acclaimed games. Thankfully, despite the sales figures, the gaming community recognizes the power of this genre and games continue to be developed for it. Movies like Blade Runner aren’t always box office successes, but they often go on to become cult classics. Any genre that allows the creator to explore sociological disparities should stay around for as long as possible.

How I Fucked It Up: Fresh Egg Pasta

In general, my first attempt at incorporating any new technique into my cooking repertoire goes very, very wrong. Then, my second attempt goes very wrong. And my third attempt, merely wrong. Eventually, after figuring out all the ways I can fuck it up, I get the technique down, and it becomes less of a technique and more of a thing I do while Cutthroat Kitchen plays in the background.

It took me far too long to learn how to make fresh egg pasta, especially given that I already had a KitchenAid standing mixer with pasta rolling and cutting attachments. One of my first attempts at it was described by my friend as “tasting metallic,” which is not a good look for something you put in your mouth. So, in the spirit of sharing it forward, I’m going to talk about all the ways I fucked up fresh egg pasta, so you don’t have to.

A Brief Aside

I use egg pasta for recipes where the end goal is a ribbon noodle of varied thickness: from tiny taglierini to broad pappardelle all the way to lasagne. I plan to talk about all the ways I fucked up raviolis and semolina dough another time.

Some Basics

Pasta dough is simply a combination of some variety of flour (some are better than others, natch) and some liquid, and the ratio between those two elements has a surprising amount of range. For example, Thomas Keller’s ratio of flour:liquid in The French Laundry Cookbook is 1.6:1; Mark Ruhlman’s is 1.5:1; and the ratio I prefer to use, from Thomas McNaughton in Flour + Water: Pasta, is a meager 1.2:1.

You even have a lot of leeway when it comes to the liquid. Keller uses a combination of whole eggs, egg yolks, olive oil, and milk. Ruhl sticks to whole eggs. McNaughton goes with the toothsome choice to just use egg yolks and a bit of olive oil. McNaughton’s lower ratio is largely due to the fact that, were there any more fat in the dough, it would be far too soft.

As for the flour, the preferred choice is 00–the brand you’re most likely to find is Antimo Caputo–but a good all purpose flour is fine.

(I recommend using a kitchen scale to mass the ingredients, but I’ll include the more approximate cup/egg count measures as well.)

The Mix

150 grams egg yolks (~9-10 eggs; most yolks are in the 15 gram range, yes, that’s almost a dozen damn eggs, and yes, it’s worth it)

180 grams 00 (or AP) flour (1 cup)

a pinch of kosher salt

a splash of extra virgin olive oil

I find that this makes enough pasta to serve 3-4 adults. You can scale the recipe up or down based on your needs.

Crack the eggs and separate the eggs into two bowls. If you’re using a scale, put the soon-to-be yolk bowl on the scale and tare it. (You may want to use the whites for a flavorless omelet or, hell, maybe you love making meringue. I toss the whites into the freezer, so I can use them when I need to clarify a stock.)

Once you get have your egg yolks, grab a pinch of salt and toss it in the bowl and splash in some olive oil, barely a teaspoon. Stir that together with a fork or some chopsticks or your fingers–you are going to get your hands dirty here.

This is basically what you’re going for. It isn’t rocket science.

Now here is the first way I fucked up pasta. I tried to be a damn nonna or a chef. I put the flour on the top of my butcher’s block and formed a little volcano, and I tried to mix that pasta like a goddamn hero on a flat surface. Don’t do that. Cookbooks are always saying to do that, like it’s super easy to clean up, but fuck that. Use a bowl. Put that flour in a bowl. Make a little dip in the middle, and then pour your liquid mixture into the “bowl.”

If you want to continue using a fork for the next steps, go ahead. I stick my index and middle finger right in the middle of those lovely, golden yolks, and I slowly stir the mixture. As you stir, the flour from the “bowl” (inside the actual bowl) will incorporate itself into the liquid, forming a slurry. Keep at it until that slurry has some heft. At some point, I usually say fuck it, and just start pushing flour into the shaggy dough ball and knead it in the bowl until the dough is mostly, kinda sticking together and the ball feels a bit dry (remember, this is a ratio on the dry side).

Now we’re ready for that flat surface. Take your shaggy dough ball and put it on work area. You’re going to have little bits of dough stuff still in the bowl that you’ll want to incorporate Katamari Damacy-style. Push a divot in your dough ball and pour those bits on top of it. You want to either spray it with water or careful add a splash of water. Work the dough until it’s not so shaggy and all of the flour has been incorporated.

Like much of my life, this looks like a complete mess, but somehow it’s going to work out in the end.

Now we’re on to kneading the dough.

The Knead

Good news! It is very hard to fuck this up. Pasta can’t be over-kneaded, so as long as you knead for about ten minutes, you’ll be fine. I mean, your hands, forearms, and wrists are going to ache, but well, there is no but.

Anyway, you can really knead the dough in whatever way you’re most comfortable with. I press the dough ball into an oval shape, fold the oval in half, push/pound/beat the half-oval until it oval-like again, fold it, and repeat. Until your hand hurts or ten minutes elapse. The dough will have a smooth, glossy surface when it’s ready, at which point you can wrap it in plastic and put aside to rest. The dough needs at least 30 minutes of resting time for gluten development, but you can rest it for up to a few hours.

If you possess the ulnar fortitude, the dough will end up looking a bit like this:

“Honestly, when I first started out, I expected this to be a disaster.” — My family crest

The Rolling

Yeah, I’ve fucked this up hard. Many times. I didn’t actually figure out how to do this right until I read Flour + Water. It was the first time I’d heard of laminating dough, which I’ll get to shortly. But first a digression into my incompetence.

When I first put my pasta rolling attachment into my stand mixer, it just didn’t seem to be sitting right. I couldn’t screw it in hard enough where it wouldn’t start spinning on its own.

I was a physics major. My thesis was on the photoconductivity of porphyrin nanorods. This device defeated me. (click for animated stupidity)

I was trying to put the damn thing in upside down. I don’t know why; I can’t explain it. You are too smart to make this mistake. So, step one in the rolling process is to put the rolling attachment in the stand mixer the right way and not the me way. The me way is dumb.

It turns out, the knobby thing goes in the knobby space thing and then you screw it in and god I am the worst at this.

Cut your dough ball into four pieces and take one piece out, leaving the remaining pieces under plastic.

Comme ci

Flatten the piece of dough until its thin enough to go through the widest setting on your roller without making your stand mixer weep in frustration. The dough will not come out looking great.

Look at this garbage

That’s okay! After you’ve passed it through once and it comes out looking all weird, fold the dough into back onto itself like you would with a letter. Now put that dough back through the roller, still on the widest setting, three more times. The sheet may still look wonky. Again, that’s okay! Adjust the roller to the next widest setting and pass the dough three more times. Adjust it the third widest setting and, yep, another three times through.

I’m just fronting here, showing off my fine one-handed pasta rolling skills. This is dumb. (click for gif-iness)

Now, before I learned about laminating dough, I would just forge on to the thinner settings until my wonky, uneven pasta sheet was the right thickness.

How do you laminate the dough? You’ve already, kind of, done it. Measure the length of your pasta roller’s opening with anything handy, say a bench scraper, if you’re fancy, and mark that width measuring from one side of your wonky pasta sheet. Now fold the sheet, however long it is, onto itself until it looks something like this:

Holy shit. This is where I’ve finally unfucked up everything I’ve fucked up.

I prefer to get all of the pieces of dough to the laminating phase before moving onto rolling out all of them, but you do you. Once you have the pasta sheet folded like a little letter, you’re going to pass it through the rolling attachment three times at each of the three widest settings. You can limit yourself to two pass through as you through settings 4 and up. The final thickness depends on what type of pasta you’re looking for. (I find that setting five is perfect for tagliatelle and six is great for taglierini. I don’t go much beyond six because that way lies madness.) Once you have one sheet to the desired thickness, you can get chef-y and trim off the uneven edges, so that the sheet looks like a rectangle and not a rectanglish thing, but then you’re wasting good dough. I generally cut the sheet in half, leaving me with two 8-10″ sheets with one, nice flat edge.

Set the pasta aside in a floured sheet pan and liberally sprinkle flour on top of the sheets. Do not stack the pasta like an idiot (me) would do. The pasta will stick together at this point. If you happen to have semolina four lying around, its coarse texture is really useful in this case. Now you grab another one of your would-be pasta sheets and go through the rolling process again. Eventually, you’ll have eight pasta sheets.

See how the fresh sheets of dough are not immediately fusing together into an incoherent mess?

By now, after all this work, you’re probably cranky and hungry and thinking, so now I cut the pasta and eat. Do not do this.

The Drying

If you don’t let your pasta sheets dry for 20-30 minutes, you’re going to end up with all sorts of problems. I’ve tried jamming the sheets in the cutting attachment right away, the pasta is still so wet that, as the pasta is going through the cutting roller, it sticks to the sides causing it to come out tangled. I still ate that damn pasta, but it was not pleasant. After that, I let the sheets sit for juuuust a bit longer. What happened the was that the pasta came out flat, but it wasn’t entirely cut. The tagliatelle came out in pairs, and I had to hand separate those bastards.

So, have some patience. Tend to your ragu.

The Cutting

Now that your pasta sheets are a bit drier, put in the cutting attachment of your choice and go to town: feed the sheets into the attachment cut-edge first and watch as beautiful noodles pile up on your work station. Toss some flour on your noodles, and put them aside cut the rest of your pasta sheets. Once you have all of your noodles, toss more flour on your noodles. This may seem excessive, but there is a point to this.

I was listening to Alton Brown cackle maniacally about nonsense, and when I turned around, noodles had appeared.

The Cooking

One of the big advantages restaurants have with their pasta is that they’re cooking the pasta in the same water all night. The water becomes thick with starch, and that starch clings to the noodles as they cook. While that may sound like a bad thing, the starch on the noodles allows the sauce to adhere better. Since you, presumably, are not cooking a restaurant–why would you be reading this if you were?–you need to find another way add starch. That’s where all of that flour coating your noodles comes in. It’s not as good as the restaurant solutions, but it will go a long way to helping that ragu stick to your noodles.

Bring an appropriate-sized pot of water to a boil and salt it generously. Dump those floured noodles into the roiling boil. You probably already know to cook pasta to al dente. This pasta is going to cook fast, in two to three minutes, so keep your eyes on it once it hits the water. Pull out pieces at one minute intervals to give it a bite. Ideally, you want to pull it out where it needs 30 seconds to a minute more of cook time because, once the pasta comes out of the water, it should finish cooking in whatever sauce you’ve chosen.

Yeah, I fucked this up, too.

I recommend testing the pasta at regular intervals because I have definitely–I mean you know this by now–overcooked noodles until they ended up as mush in the sauce. So don’t be me.

I hope this helps you, dear reader, out. At this point, I’ve fucked up pasta so many times that I can make it blindfolded while watching just the absolute dumbest cooking competitions. But I’ll save my rant about Cutthroat Kitchen for another day.

RETROSPECTIVE: Bubble Bobble

Back when I was a wee tyke, no more than seven, there weren’t a lot of cooperative game options available to gamers. To give some sort of perspective, my childhood was back in the days of NES, so while I did play the occasional game of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? on my father’s black and white work PC, most of my gaming was confined to the titles with the Nintendo seal of approval. Naturally, in addition to the limits set on video game play time by my parents, there was a premium on television time. With my sister only occasionally content with watching my pixelated meanderings and tiny, darting fingers that pinched vulnerable skin, it was often a lot easier to get my video game fix if I chose a game we could play together.

And the only game we had in our library that had truly cooperative gameplay was Bubble Bobble.

In contrast with the “taking turns” multiplayer of Super Mario Bros., Bubble Bobble gave my sister and me the opportunity to play together with a common goal. Of course, we were never really sure about the nature of that goal. Certainly, there were levels, so there was a clear progression. We knew our integers as well as the kids next door, so we knew that 39 was higher and, thus, better than 38. It’s just that there didn’t seem to be a lot of logic to the game itself.

The objective, near as we could understand it, was to maneuver our two colorful little dragons–Bub and Bob, apparently–around the static collection of platforms that composed a level and blow bubbles to capture various enemies. Those enemies were creatures of unidentifiable origins, borne of the contents of a toy shop channeled through the mind of Dali and given life. To our young eyes, they were delightfully colorful and somewhat sinister, particularly when we failed to pop a bubble in time, and the little monster became enraged and red and stalked our poor little dragons like demons from our nightmares.

If we failed to capture and pop all of those monsters after a certain amount of time, then the alarming words “Hurry up!” flashed across the screen and all of the little creatures became angry, and they were only soothed by one of our deaths–at least most of the time. As I said, the logic was never clear. Accompanying this sinister message was a change in the tempo of the usual, soothing Bubble Bobble theme (bum bum bum ba-dum bum bum ba-dum bum bum. . .) to a frantic, accelerated beat. It was a tune that wormed its way into the chest of the player, young or old, and inspired panic. It was almost impossible to cope with a level once it had reached this point of no return. And then the invincible “Skels” emerged, enemies that looked like the skeletons of our own little Bub and Bob. If my sister or I managed to salvage the situation, it always seemed miraculous. And then we were instantly conveyed to the next level with scarcely any time to enjoy our triumph.

We naturally assumed that as soon as we reached the final level and beat the final boss, no matter how many lives we lost, that we would have beaten the game. Except that it was never the “true” ending.

My sister and I played through Bubble Bobble about twenty times. I played through with each of my parents ten times a piece. We never received the “true” ending.

What makes Bubble Bobble truly great as an arcade game, or an arcade game on a home console, is its seeming simplicity combined with its almost absurd difficulty. In addition to the basics I mentioned above, a player needs to collect letters that appear in certain levels based on unknown conditions to receive the code for the “true” ending. And then there were the other tricks a player learned. The dragons could only jump so high, so if a player wanted to get up a stage with limited platforms, he had to us bubble jumping, essentially blowing bubbles and bouncing off them. Later in the game, the monsters get angry and break out of the bubbles so soon after being confined that the player has to master a “bubble kiss” in which he bubbles and then almost immediately hits the bubble to destroy the enemy.

There are few games from the NES that I will still pick up and play with my friends because, for the most part, I’ve mastered all of them. I know how to beat them. I know the shortcuts. I know the secret codes. I know all of the moves because they are well documented. Bubble Bobble is an arcade masterpiece because it is so complicated and difficult that it is worth returning to. I will never be a master of the game, and I will always fear the sound of that accelerated theme music, and I will always appreciate that look of nostalgia that overcomes my face when I start to hear someone hum the theme song.

If you haven’t played it, you should. Don’t bother with any of the ports to the most recent consoles. Find an arcade with the game or dig up your old NES, blow out that cartridge tray, and power on.